My brain is having a hard time today. My anxiety has been peaking since I woke up this morning and I’ve taken what I lovingly call my emergency pills to try to get the thundering in my chest to slow down. It’s not helping that it’s a cloudy, rainy day today. I do have dance troupe tonight but it seems so far away (we don’t rehearse til 8pm though I do meet one of my tribe for coffee around 7). With nothing really to occupy my brain, I keep wandering into bad thoughts, especially right now around worry over work.
Worry because I haven’t a job and there are only so many things I can find to do in a day to keep myself distracted. Unfortunately I’m not one of those writers dying to write a book and get published, otherwise, I suppose this would be an ideal time to get going on something like that. But I’ve just never had the drive to do anything that big. Oh sure I have ideas for stories from time to time, but nothing that I want to sink my time and teeth into storyboarding or attempting to outline.
I’m just not that kind of writer.
And while I sit trying to figure out ways to kill time between no one calling me with job interviews, the day seems longer and longer. I get more and more depressed and anxious and less interested in leaving the house, even if it is for dance.
I just want to be employed again, doing a job that I’m good at, doing something that I enjoy and with decent colleagues. And while I’m still up in the air about going freelance, I’m still looking for full-time regular jobs because, realistically, I need the benefits. My meds aren’t cheap and while my husband has coverage, employers regularly only offer plans that cover a percentage, no more 100% for drugs, dental and optical. Yes, it certainly helps that at least one of us is covered, but the full coverage we’d have with both of us being insured just takes that bit of extra pressure off.
I’m just so tired of feeling down in the dumps and just waiting for the days to pass. I don’t feel like I have a purpose, no matter how many affirmation meditations I do that I am needed in this world.
Glitter, Cats, & Wine 